Fault and Responsibility
RESPONSIBILITY, noun;
the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management
What does it mean to be responsible for something? We are responsible for getting to work on time, paying our bills, and taking care of our children. But what about ourselves? How much do we care about ourselves, how much does the average person take responsibility for themselves? We’re never late to work, we never miss a bill, and our kids never go to school without a lunch. And on the flip side; how often do you skip a workout, drink too much, or crush a couple Boston Creams that someone brought to the office? Why is it easier for us to take care of, and be accountable to, people other than ourselves. In Jordan B. Peterson’s book, 12 Rules for Life, rule #2 is: Treat yourself like you are someone you are responsible for. Hot damn that’s good advice! Is it easy?- no it’s not. But is it impossible?- no.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash
“… something within one’s power, control, or management”. You should be taking responsibility for things you can manage, control, or have power over. But this does not mean they’re 100% under your control, power, or management. Almost nothing in life is completely under your control, except for maybe your digestive system, and even that can be hijacked by some greasy street tacos. So when Suzy brings a pack of donuts to the office on Friday mornings, we don’t blame her. It’s not her fault she has a sweet tooth and lives 2 blocks from Tim Hortons. She’s just trying to be nice. But it’s our responsibility not to eat five donuts before 10 am. And for sure we’d never place fault on Suzy if after 6 months we’ve gained 15 pounds and some serious love handles. It’s just common sense, that’s on us. But why then, when the act being committed is atrocious or nefarious do we not take full responsibility for sorting out the problem? Why do we try and place our anger, frustrations, and commands to fix the problem, onto the perpetrator?
If someone cuts you off in traffic, or worse, smashes into your car, most likely you will be furious. How could this person be so stupid! What an idiot. They weren’t watching where they were going. They didn't see me. They didn’t hear my horn. They are reckless and THEY are responsible! And now; I’m going to be late. I’m going to have to get my car fixed, and now I am upset and angry. This is a daily occurrence around the country. Day in, day out, people are getting into small car accidents or succumbing to road rage because of some small infraction on the road. I have seen people stay upset and furious all day because of small matters like these.
Most likely these types of incidents are accidental. But even if they are not, what if they were intentional? What if someone was so upset at something in their life that they wanted to take their anger out on someone? Well you just never know do you, you never know what other people are going through. And I’ve heard this spoken about as a way of dealing with these small little moments of stress and anxiety as they pop up. For example: Someone cuts in front of you in line at the grocery store. You should realize that you don’t know anything about that persons life or background. Maybe they’re victims of stress, violence, addiction, or sexual abuse. Maybe they don’t want to act like assholes. Maybe it’s just a product of their unfortunate circumstance. Maybe we would be acting the same if put in his or her shoes. I am in no rush, I have planned my day out properly, I am perfectly comfortable waiting in line an extra 2 minutes without it bothering me. Please angry and ignorant person, go on ahead of me in line. You seem to need it more than me.
Photo by Alaric Hartsock on Unsplash
This is good practice but I would argue it doesn’t really matter if the act was accidental or not. Your happiness is your responsibility and your responsibility alone. No matter how egregious the slight towards you is it doesn’t matter how angry and upset you get. That in no way puts the burden of responsibility on the perpetrator. And even if the perpetrator agrees to, or is actively trying to fix the fault, unless you are prepared to put in some of the emotional work to make yourself less stressed out and more happy- then forget about it, it’s not going to happen.
Recently we had over $10,000 worth of outdoor equipment stolen from Warrior Adventures Canada. And it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Fortunately it didn’t affect any of our programs this year, but it has set us back financially for 2020. Is it our fault that some degenerates stole our equipment?- no. But it’s our responsibility to recover from the incident. Does this mean it doesn’t hurt or suck, no, definitely not. It’s demoralizing to be robbed like that. So many people and organizations have donated generously to help us put together these programs. And our team has put in tonnes of volunteer hours to plan, prepare for, and run these adventures. And when something like this happens it’s devastating. Acknowledge the emotions, accept them, and then let it go. It’s time to move forward. They are not coming back to hand us our equipment and apologize, so no matter how much anger we have towards them, it’s not going to change anything. One of the performance tactics we teach during our adventures is W.I.N. (What’s Important Now). So that’s what we do. Ask ourselves what’s important now? Contact the police and file a report, check. Purchase new equipment, check. Contact insurance companies, check. Discuss what happened and how we can prevent a repeat, check. Accept what is and do what’s in your power to do, presently. The past is the past, let it be. What is important now, what can you do now?
“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way”
What about the malicious and dark parts of humanity? The sinister and unforgivable acts of violence and abuse. How do we recover from being sexually abused, abused as a child, or having a loved one killed? These are long and arduous paths to walk for sure. Different paths with ups, downs, lefts and rights for everyone who has to walk them. There are many factors and conditions that are at play here. But one thing is for sure; if you’re waiting for someone else to come and take full responsibility for your feelings and emotions, you are going to be waiting for the rest of your life. This is one of the greatest tragedies of life- fault and responsibility do not come as a package deal. It sucks, so bad. It SUCKS, infinitely, I know. Oh, how badly I want to wrap my hands around their necks and make them pay for their actions, to make it all better. To turn back the clock and put everything back how it was before. Is it your fault? No, it’s not. And I know it hurts, but it’s time for you to tell yourself, if you ever want to recover and move on properly, that it’s your responsibility to fix it. Again, I know it sucks the big one, but FAULT and RESPONSIBILITY do not always go together. Your happiness is your responsibility and your responsibility alone.
Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash
It’s brutal to think about and even harder to accept, but it’s true. No amount of revenge or bags of sorries from your nemeses will ever allow you to be complete again. And maybe we can never be 100% again, and maybe we are changed forever. But you’ll be much farther along if you take responsibility for your emotions and your happiness. They’ve already taken so much from you, they don’t deserve to be in charge of your recovery anyway. It’s cliche and a little childish, but it’s true- the best revenge is living well. So live well, live in the present, and live happy.
Warrior Adventures Canada trip to Bugaboo Provincial Park, August 2019